That Was Then Read online

  Stage Managers

  John Andrews

  Gerry Doyle

  Stage Hands

  Aaron Clear

  Mick Doyle (Fly Master)

  Pat Dillon (Deputy Stage

  Paul Kelly Managers)

  Stage Directors

  Finola Eustace

  (Head of Department)

  John Stapleton

  Audrey Hession

  Assistant Stage

  Managers

  Stephen Dempsey

  Maree Kearns

  Sound

  Eddie Breslin

  Cormac Carroll

  Nuala Golden

  Wardrobe

  Anne Cave

  (Supervisor)

  Joan O'Clery

  (Deputy)

  Fiona Talbot

  Vicky Miller

  Catherine Fay

  Frances Kelly

  (Wigs & Hairdressing)

  Patsy Giles (Make-Up)

  For my father,

  Tony Stembridge

  Contents

  Act One

  Act Two

  The play is set in two time periods simultaneously: 'Not so long ago' and 'some time in the future'. There is five or six years between them. The Action in both time periods is continuous on stage. There are no freezes, no lights down on one side while action continues on the other. Where there is an extended sequence in one time period I try to indicate what action is happening in the other. To facilitate easier reading the 'Not so long ago' sections are boxed.

  'Not so long ago' in Dublin, Noel and May Gregory, an Irish married couple, are hosting a meal with two strangers, an English couple Julian, andJune Summers. It is primarily a business thing, Julian having been recommended to Noel as someone who can help him get round a problem.

  Some time in the future in London, Julian and June are preparing to return the compliment. They have not seen Noel or May since that dinner party in Dublin. Now circumstances have changed. Noel appears to have become extraordinarily successful while Julian and June urgently need help.

  The set has two kitchens, Dublin and London right and left, with a dining room centre. The single dining room serves for both Dublin and London. As should one front entrance.

  May is in her kitchen, preparing food, humming happily. Julian sits slumped in his dark kitchen, a newspaper spread out on the table in front of him. Noel arrives bearing a crate of wine. He enters the dining room.

  May Noel, Noel!

  June arrives carrying a briefcase and also enters the dining room. Stands next to Noel.

  Noel Yes.

  June I'm home.

  May Is that you, Noel?

  Noel Have a guess, May?

  June sees a plastic shopping bag on the floor. She picks it up.

  Noel sets the wine crate on the table.

  June Darling?

  May Was Mammy in good form?

  Noel If you mean does she mind looking after the kids tonight, she's thrilled.

  May Ah great.

  June (checking watch) Jules!

  Noel Martin wasn't too happy. I think he's getting a bit old for his granny.

  Noel opens the wine crate.

  June goes into the kitchen and turns on the kitchen light. Doesn't see Julian slumped at the table.

  May He'll be fine. You got wine?

  Noel Tucks of it.

  June goes to the counter and opens the bag. Takes out a cake box and a little bag of meat.

  June Good God, what is this?

  Julian It's a bombe.

  June Ah!

  May Oh! What about my fags?

  Noel As requested.

  Julian Pineapple ice cream stuffed with rum-soaked ginger biscuits -

  May And fresh cream?

  Noel hesitates.

  June takes the luscious dessert out of the box.

  Julian - covered in toasted walnuts.

  May Well?

  June What are you doing sitting in the dark -?

  Julian It's called Castro's Bombe.

  Noel Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  Julian Oh God.

  Noel enters his kitchen.

  Noel Do we really need cream?

  May Yes, for the main course and the dessert.

  Julian It's too much - a monumental balls-up.

  Noel Sure, none of us will bother with dessert.

  May Maybe, but you have to serve it anyway.

  Noel A bit of fruit. Make custard?

  Julian I want to throw up.

  May Ah, Noel, it's you keep going on about not letting ourselves down in front of this English couple.

  Julian Fuck!

  Noel Fuck!

  Julian Fuck!

  Noel Fuck!

  June Get a hold of yourself.

  May And Darina's coq. I need double cream for that.

  Julian (points at newspaper) Look.

  Noel Right, right, okay, okay. Spa here will go and roam the streets for cream.

  Noel exits to dining room. Takes out a bottle of wine from the crate. Gets a corkscrew. May continues cooking.

  June (reads) 'Last of the Summers Wine' - oh Christ.

  Julian Yes.

  June (reads) 'Not only has the whiff of sleaze taken poor Julian and June Summers off the guest lists at New Labour shindigs these days, but the diary hears that their favourite Jermyn St. wine merchant' - oh Christ - 'has just cancelled their account.'

  Julian Fucking Guardian bastards.

  June (reads) 'Does the vengeance of New Labour have no limits? Does upsetting the Party elite now mean you can't even get a decent drink in the Westminster area . . .' Oh Julian.

  Julian It's my fault. I'm an awesome galactic fuck-up.

  June I told you not to read this tripe.

  Julian I'm a freak show.

  June Another panic attack?

  Julian Yes.

  June Where this time?

  Julian I was in Sainsbury's -

  June Oh not in Sainsbury's.

  Julian Yes. At the meat counter. I panicked. Lost it. It was like I stuck my foot out in the box without meaning to; man down, penalty, red card, world crashing in . . . and I just couldn't . . . I - I ended up with that -

  Waves towards the packages.

  Noel pours two glasses of wine. Drinks one and pours again.

  June Castro's bombe, and . . . ?

  Julian Premium mince.

  June Minced beef - for the dinner party?

  Julian Call me Ishmael. I just pointed. That's what he gave me. Sorry June.

  June Why didn't you go somewhere quiet to calm down and -

  Julian I tried. I threw up.

  June In Sainsbury's?

  Julian Angel Underground.

  June Oh good, not our station. Right then, problem: what to do for a dinner party with minced beef and a cream mountain.

  Julian I'll check Jamie Oliver.

  June He's not answering our calls either. Solpadeine?

  Julian Please.

  June puts the bombe in the freezer and gets some water and Solpadeine for Julian.

  Noel re-enters kitchen with bottle of wine and glasses.

  May I thought you'd gone out to get -

  Noel I'm going. I'm going. Have a taste. South African.

  May South African? - is that all right?

  Julian It's complete crap, this is so -

  June (massages his shoulders) Relax relax relax.

  Noel Arthur in the off-licence said they're going wild for it in London at the moment. Something to do with your man Mandela.

  May Is it very dear?

  Noel Of course it's dear. Do you think these people won't know if we've been mangy with the wine?

  June Actually, have we got enough wine?

  She rushes off to check. Julian buries his face in his hands.

  May I'm only saying when you don't know if it's nice or not -

  Noel Jesus, if it's good enough for Mandela. Anyway, don't worry. I only got six South African. I got that very
dear Spanish one, mmm, nice tho', two French, two Australian, that Californian you like, and ah . . . something from Chile.

  May Thirteen bottles?

  Noel One free with every twelve.

  June Six bottles.

  May But there's only four of us.

  Noel We'd better get moving so.

  He drinks and pours another.

  June And some gin, and whiskey.

  May Ah, Noel. Why won't you -

  Noel Just testing the South African. Make sure it's not shite.

  May sighs, goes to the dining room to fix the table settings. Noel brings the crate of wine to the kitchen. Still drinking.

  June We'll survive - I think.

  Julian Even with him?

  June God yes, he could knock it back couldn't he?

  Julian Yes - Oh, Christ - flashback. June, can I just say something?

  June (checking watch) Make it quick. They're due in half an hour.

  Julian (looks horrified) It's okay, forget it.

  June Any inspiration from Jamie?

  Julian Not yet. Darling does this have to be tonight?

  June Sorry?

  Julian This . . . tonight. Do we have to?

  June Yes. They're only in London for some Michael Fladey premiere tomorrow.

  Julian Michael Flatley? Is he still alive?

  June Must be, he's having a premiere.

  May Is this an important night, love?

  Julian I suppose.

  Noel What do you think?

  June Some big Irish 'aren't we great we're all so rich' knees-up.

  May I'm just saying if so - shouldn't we, you know -

  June Seize the moment I say.

  May Really make an effort.

  June The chance may not come again.

  Noel Ah, shut up, will you.

  Julian Okay, okay, yes, okay.

  June Anyway, don't worry about the food. If I remember correctly he'd eat anything.

  Julian That's certainly how I remember him.

  June goes into the dining room. The two women criss-cross each other setting the same table. Funny business with cutlery.

  Julian Right, right, okay. Jules do your stuff. Something quick, something not too subtle. As I remember, the old soak had a palate like a stray dog, so anything cheesy, garlicky, oh, and heavy on the booze - of course.

  June Didn't he have a particular thing for South African wine?

  Noel (drinking) This is great stuff. They'll be impressed with this.

  Julian Christ, yes. Thought it was the dog's bollocks for some reason.

  Noel I mean, apart from it being the 'in' thing in London. It's tasty.

  June God, South African wine; that was so last century.

  Noel We're on a winner here, honey bunch.

  Julian Should we try get some just for him?

  June No time, darling.

  May Noel, I really need that cream soon. I've softened the onions and garlic, the bacon is seared -

  June Anyway, he'll have moved on.

  Noel I'm just having a sip.

  June You know, Norwegian wine -

  Julian - Greenland wine.

  They laugh.

  May It's just that Super-valu will be closed -

  June And it's so late already -

  Noel Will you fuck off and stop nagging?

  Julian (moan) Oooh.

  June Are you upset?

  Noel Over a bit of cream?

  June goes back into the kitchen.

  June What is it?

  Noel Fuckin' cream.

  Julian moans head on the tab

  Julian Oh sweet Christ.

  Noel Sweet Christ, fuckin' cream!

  Julian It's making me nauseous.

  June Darling.

  Noel What do you think I am, ha?

  Julian Such an awesome prat, I know.

  Noel Ha?

  June Count to ten.

  Noel Your slave, is that it?

  June Take a breath.

  Noel Running around for you.

  June Nice and slow.

  Julian goesto June.

  May goes to Noel.

  May Noel, go and get the cream now and get it over with. All right? Sorry and all that —

  June Look. I know it's so awful we have to do this.

  May - But it has to be done.

  June We haven't any choices. You've seen the latest demand?

  Noel Point taken. I'm gone. Out the door.

  Julian Well, that's just a joke.

  June They're not joking.

  May Remember, double cream. I know it's dearer -

  June Nine hundred thousand pounds.

  May But it's worth it.

  June And they intend to get it from us. But they won't.

  Julian You're incredibly strong.

  Noel You're a great woman, May, do you know that? I mean it.

  Julian I don't know what I'd do without you.

  May Grand - now will you get the cream.

  June Tonight will probably be horrible. But look, just keep thinking, this old Irish pig may save our bacon.

  Noel exits. May goes to her worktop and continues preparing meal. There are chicken fillets to be sliced up.

  Julian Right, yes, fine.

  June And anyway who else is there? We have no friends left.

  Julian Oh that's not true.

  June None with money or influence.

  Julian Ah.

  June They're all on-message it seems, and the message is, sorry not available to take your calls. Now focus.

  Julian Yes. Okay. Fully frighteningly focussed. As focussed as fuck.

  June (checks watch) Good.

  Julian What have we got? What have we got to compliment Le boeuf hache?

  He rummages as May slices andJune sets

  Julian Peppers . . . broccoli . . . excellent, some red onions . . .

  June What did she like, can you remember?

  May reads aloud from a cookbookm as she prepares .

  May . . . strips of free-range chicken seared on a very hot pan . . .

  Julian His wife? I don't know. She was sort of Mousy, Wifey, Irishy.

  June She was decent.

  Julian Was she?

  June She was probably the real reason we did him that very large favour.

  Julian We made him.

  May Very very rich. But don't worry yourself . . .

  Julian When I think of what we did. After what he did.

  May Don't feel guilty . . .

  Julian Christ I need a drink?

  May ' . . . make it a good-sized mug of dry white wine.' Ah sure what the hell.

  June Jules. Jules. Jules. Focus on the job in hand. What have you dreamed up? Burgers and chips?

  Julian What an excellent idea. Or shepherd's pie. Doesn't Marco have it on his menu now? If it's good enough for him -

  June Just think big. Big fat Irish portions. To soak up the booze.

  Julian Meatballs. I see meatballs . . . .

  June You think?

  Julian Actually yes. Spicy meatballs.

  June There, I'm sure it'll be fine. Good. Now. Panic over?

  Julian Hm? Yes.

  June Sure?

  Julian I'm centred as fuck.

  June (checks watch) We've twenty minutes. Just enough time.

  May For best flavour, let it all reduce . . .

  Julian I mean he owes us doesn't he? It shouldn't be a problem.

  May Be particularly careful . . .

  June I should certainly hope he remembers -

  May . . . not to be in any hurry . . .

  June It was thanks to us -

  May Adding the stock.

  Julian I know -

  June - that his stock rose in the first place.

  May continues cooking.

  Julian and June prepare the meatballs and vegetables.

  Julian And look at him now.

  June Even getting a message to him felt like a sort of privilege.
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  Julian The extraordinary nerve of him not to speak to you directly. I mean, having you lurk in a hotel lobby while flunkeys and runners pass messages up and down. Who the fuck does he think he is. Paddy O'Brunei?

  June Look. It's not who he is, it's who he thinks we are.

  Julian Did he not remember us? Will you slice these?

  June Yes, of course he does, that's the point I'm making. How small?

  Julian Slivers.

  June We are the past. We are his low point.

  Julian The feeling is entirely mutual.

  June Nobody wants to remember being a beggar.

  Julian So why is he coming?

  June Who knows. My humble petition went up. The reply came back. Granted. He's coming tonight. Let's just be grateful. That okay? (The peppers)

  Julian Perfect.

  June We must judge our approach very carefully.

  Julian Right, yes. He probably knows we're drowning in shit.

  June Of course he does. He'll enjoy that, so stay calm.

  Julian Calm as fuck.

  June Let him have his fun. What's really important is the language we use. Nothing too direct or straightforward, but neither can we sound opaque. He'll think we're trying to pull one over on him. We have to make sure he knows our proposal is illegal but we can't imply we think he's dodgy. Be friendly obviously but not presumptuous. Never come on like we're old pals. Keep away from potentially difficult topics, Irish history, Irish Culture, Irish music, Irish sport. In fact if we can avoid mentioning Ireland at all . . . Julian.

  Julian Hm, oh sorry, yes. Sorry I was - the meatballs.

  June Jules. Look at me. You'll be all right won't you? I need you on top form tonight.

  Julian Yes. Yes. Yes.

  June So, what sort of small talk will, you know, keep us on track?

  Julian Well... we don't want to say anything to antagonise him, bearing in mind the last time - I mean I know that was then -

  June But we have to have some conversation. It can't be all nods, winks, say no more.

  Julian I can see that.

  June So, any suggestions?

  Julian To be honest . . . right. Totally totally honest. That night had a strange effect on me. Not good. Bit of a red mist. Bit of the drunken nutter on the bus roaring in my face sort of vibe. That's the actual truth June.

  June There is no one else willing to help us. No one. And yes I know he had a lot of that old I hate the English stuff, but it was only . . . that's it . . . Jules you're a genius. We can turn all that crap to advantage.

  Julian We can?

  June Yes. What if . . . what if . . . we make him believe he's helping us pull off a fantastic scam against the Government, against the Queen herself practically.

  Julian You think?